I thought I had a handle on my emotions. So in control that I’d even brag to myself: “you’ve got this lady”. But my resolu-
tion to understand, and ignore instead of finding perspective, has left a King Kong foot print size inimical impression on my
soul. I become even more muddled, dismally failing to glue my emotions back together.

I know that at my age, feeling lost is not an option, but I am. So lost that I feel my mind literally scrambling, scattered into a million pieces, birthing a mass of despairing emotions. I know that where I am, feeling sad is not allowed, but I do. In my life, being weak and vulnerable should not exist, but it does. Instead of counting my blessings, I am weighed heavily with loss. Instead of celebrating life, I am overwhelmed with disappointments.
I made my own family, but it never exited, never came together, it was never true, but a fake reality, my own fairy world. I have siblings-still alive, but they are buried only in memories.

My mother dedicated herself to creating a clan for my father, and our parents kept us together. We are a big family-literally, made of siblings, grandchildren, great grandchildren, extended families, adopted and the people we meet by association who chose to become our own. We are more than just a platoon. We could actually start our own village, a community of…us. We are able, capable, and immensely talented, we are seriously gifted bunch. We should’ve built a strong legacy, but we have not. Instead we are scattered. We have individually become unreal to ourselves, displaced, nameless and lonely in our own corners. We are, and I believe we’ve always been lacking of a strong bond, something to cement our existence and ground us as a family. We have created a huge void, and, instead of transforming it into a well nourishing with genuine love, respect, trust and loyalty, we feed it with nothing. Its trekking to three years since we were robbed of our mother, with no explanation whatsoever. Trailing back few months before that, we stated drifting away, allowing pride, power and external sinister forces to influence us against each other. To date, we havent tried to connect, we are too proud to take the step. It feels like we never existed. We are creating yet another void in our children’s lives.
I’m sitting here today asking myself; what am I teaching my own children? What are we doing? Whatever [it] is, how long will we allow [it] to mess us up. If [it] was a being getting paid by the hour, [it] would be a very rich something by now. When will we stop? How long are we going to allow [it] to dictate how we live our lives? How do we get past [it]? Well, this is my dirty mud, and I’m swimming desperately in it.

Any thoughts?

A day dedicated to celebrating fathers in our child[ren]’s lives. Thoughts and views have been documented on the origin of this event, what it means and what it actually represents. I personally appreciate the consideration that says this day is dedicated to “celebrating fatherhood, paternal bonds and the influence of fathers in society…a holiday that enumerates a father’s qualities’… And of course, depending on experiences, observations as well as our expectations, we can draw long lists of what qualifies someone to become a father for our children.

You see, there’s the father, the dad and the parent. These could represent one individual, or three distinctly different figures with
specific influences in a child’s life, even a mother’s view of the man in her child[ren]’s life.There’s the man who will implant and then take the next shuttle off to Mars, the other one will plant and nature his child[ren]to grownups, and of course there’s someone who may come
in, assume the parental responsibilities of a child[ren] who is not of their loins-moulds them into mature, responsible, honoura-
ble and loving beings.
Reality is, we’ve experienced both ends; a man who has ‘seeded’ a child[ren] and the one who becomes their child[ren]’s parent.
Through it all, we recognise the male figures in our children’s lives.
So, to all the fathers, dads and male parents out there…
Thank you for sharing your manhood with us. Thank you for fathering our children, for caring, loving and protecting our babies. Thank you for guiding them, motivating and coaching them to become the best they can be and for being
their role models. Thank you for working ever so hard to provide for our children.Happy Father’s Day!

Fact: life is hard and our experiences differ. The truth is when [life happens], the impact is the same; because we are all human beings, we feel the same emotions. However you unpack those emotions; sad, angry, disappointed, frustrated, riled…reality is that non of these emotions are easy to deal with. 

Wired deep within our molecules of existence is the conviction that we can deal with anything, and the power to face any situation. We were built and clothed with the belief that we are strong beings and as such no matter how hard we fall, we can pick ourselves up, we can learn and grow. We become wiser and our confidence levels amplified, ultimately we become even stronger and stable beings. We all know this, right?

Now, the part that no one warns you about is that the professor of life lessons sometimes just enjoys messing up with you. He strikes when your tentacles are still in sleep mode, and only awaken when you are way deep, face flat on the ground.
But then again, going back to who we are; it all depends on what you do with the situation, that experience, or the feeling. However you go about dealing with it, do not lose who you are.
I must confess, there’s a time when I’d almost lost my cloth of convictions. I almost forgot how important it is to remain sane even in the worst type of battles. I was determined to get
what was rightfully mine that I almost let go of my values. But my guardians reminded me to not lose myself in the process. It is true that situations differ, and sometimes the outcome may not always be favourable, but some wars are just not ours to fight.

So, keep your emotions balanced and maintain your self-worth. Do not exhaust your heart, because that will only drain your spirit, and crush your soul. Before you know it you’ll be wearing frustration on your forehead as if it’s in fashion. You’ll only be hollow, grumpy and vindictive.
Keep in check.
LAURINDAM

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” Maya Angelou

There’s a TV series called The Good Place, the events and messages goad my mind each time I watch them. I like the moral philosophy approach, and there are many lessons from each event.
Personally, I connect to the concept of torture, and I don’t mean in the afterlife human torture sense as depicted in the series
[well, maybe that could be a topic for another day]. I am referring to the actual ‘self-emotional-torture’. Every time I watch any other episode, I keep thinking about the way we [as people] are torturing ourselves. We do it so well that it doesn’t need the “after life” efforts or concept as sketched out in the stories to do it for us. If you think about it; the way we live our
lives, from the smallest things to trying so hard to meet certain standards, to desires of being accepted and fit in, to being better than others, to trying to get ahead in life, to living comfortable lives, to being loved unconditionally…all of these and more requires a lot of work and at times sacrifices.

The issues surrounding our own existence, most of which are beyond our control and of course some of those we do manage, others we tend to resolve and sometimes as we go through the phases and processes of resolving, dealing or managing them, with each stride we tend to dent our [emotional] selves. We live our lives in fear, in anger, 20% happy and 80% frustrated, we hate easily and judge [in most cases] without facts. These are realistic issues, from financial, marital, family, societal, political and or religious.
Our expectations of ourselves, our spouses, our children, our families, our friends, within and around our fractions, from young to old age-are just too much. We keep o embracing issues which are damaging to our own health. We justify other people’s behaviours [even the worst] just so that we can “move on”, we accept wrong behaviours-simply because we are afraid to speak up. We unconsciously condemn ourselves to chronic illnesses;  depression, incurable diseases and long term self-inflicted scars. As we neglect our physicalselves we are not aware of how much we damage our emotional selves and how much we are torturing our sols. Think of the weight that comes with simply hating someone or wishing ill on someone. We stop loving ourselves appreciating who we are, what we stand for, letting go of our principles, giving up to sometimes, attempting suicide, to actually killing a soul, to robbery, to skimming, the list goes on.

We lose ourselves which in turn compromises our moral compasses as we maneuver through the stiches of life. We stop living cause of various circumstances. We stop loving and appreciating life. We neglect our duties, we expect too much from others yet we give less, we neglect imparting the important values to our children and our communities, and only accept mediocre behaviours.

This is torture! All of the above and many more, however you look at it, as long as the results drag along pain, it is self-torture .When do we stop? When do we begin, how do we move away from torturing ourselves; through behavirous; self-destructive thoughts and ambitions, self hatred,self-defeating…how do we get it right?
I guess it’s work in progress.
LAURINDAM

I am learning to appreciate the time I spend with people. I’ve always been reserved, to a certain extent kept avoiding chit
chats in large gatherings, corridors etc. I think I’ve been missing out. I’ve always been focused on what I want to do, getting it done, and care somewhat little about other things. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m not planning to just go around looking for gossip. This is about appreciating other people’s view of life, leaning to listen, having a meaningful conversation, and taking lessons around me. I guess some level of interaction is better than solitude. But seriously, listening to someone share about how they appreciate the life they’ve lived is motivating. It is uplifting to hear how grateful they are for what they have accomplished and their blessings: their family, children, a job, a roof over their head and friendships.

I’ve met many people with different views; some very positive, thought provoking, humble human beings, and some, well, we
learn everyday. Just the other day, I learned how a parent encourages her children to appreciate what they have and all the positive things in life, and I hope her children listen to her wisdom. She mentioned that as people, we spend too much time looking at what is going wrong in our lives, instead of focusing on and appreciating what we have.
I do feel like that sometimes. She said that we have a habit of always asking for more from God, and not realize that there are other people who are also waiting on Him, those, in most cases are at a worse situation that we are. True to her view, we must learn to be thankful and whilst we are doing that, it’ll allow chance for others to receive their wishes. She is right though, we must appreciate everything we have, no matter how small or inconvenient, and no matter how overwhelming the situation could be.
The fact that we do have something in our lives, shows how much we are favoured. So, she said, instead of complaining about what we don’t have, and cry for more, we must learn to say thank you more. Be grateful for that job, a roof over our head, food on the table, clothes on our back, family, friends, and life. I am thankful. LAURINDAM

Just like a river that effortlessly flows and connects the world
A river that breathes and nurses life from the bottom of the hills to the tips of the mountains, to the Nile
Gorgeous lady you move, graciously, trailing behind
you
Beautiful faces, new names, families and clans born of
your love
You are the roots that weave in and cement relations
You were favoured by the powers unknown
Bathed with love, wisdom, fortitude and patience
To smile even when your eyes are flooding
To remain unruffled whilst your heart is being shredded
Though you were crippled by those who wished to tame you and manipulate your position
But from the moment the sun awakens, until the moon mushrooms from its void
You keep your light shining brilliantly, sketching pathways for everyone who asks for it-for your kindness is boundless
And when you rise, you adorn yourself with courage, ready to win even the impossible battles
When you strike, it is to build
And your commands are engrained with so much love and care
You carry your position with such grace
A mother, a sister, a lover, a queen
Your elegance dimples even the chicks of the stars
above
So, gorgeous woman rise
Stand tall on the very grounds that you nurtured and
be felt
LAURINDAM

I’ve adopted a very good habit. Seriously. Although it took me sometime to realise the positive impact it was making in my life, but I’ve come to appreciate the benefits. I tend to stand in front of the mirror and ‘summon’ the soulful me. Unlike most people, my [good] habit started as a way of preparing myself for a confrontation. You see, I don’t like arguments, and I hate feeling angry. Well, I can’t avoid this…being human and all…but whenever I can, I try to find a better way to deal with issues. I can’t sleep well if something is unsettling to my heart, my brains just can’t ‘switch off’.
So, I found that talking to the wiser me on the other side of the mirror tends to bring a different perspective, clarity. And I’m saying this because, sometimes I’d find myself seeing a different figure-that one person I may need to have a serious conversation with. And in that moment, I’ll be in a “safe” space to vent and tell them exactly what I really think of them or how I truly feel-you know, those things that once said you can’t take back?
I still use my mirror to talk to myself, to remind myself of those important things in my life, so as not to lose myself; my values and principles.
So, if you are doing this, don’t ever stop, trust me it’s one of the best therapies you can afford your soul, and, it’s free.

So, for whatever reason you find yourself in front of the mirror; whether you are getting ready in the morning or just checking yourself out, or even if you’re preparing for that important presentation, do not forget to remind yourself how gorgeous you look.
I must admit, sometimes I just enjoy looking at myself on the mirror, it’s uplifting for me, sorry!
LAURINDAM

Comfrontation depresses me, its true, and I do not like arguments. Unfortunately this is how we function as humans.

In order to reach some consensus, we tend to argue with the hope of getting our views across and or our voices heard. So we fight or scream at each other, and sometimes say things that we cannot take back.

I always hated the idea of going to bed angry or spending days or weeks without talking to someone. What an unnecessary waste of precious time and energy. I am of the conviction that disputes should be resolved immediately and amicably. I can’t run away from this, because I live in society and the world wherein arguments, confrontations are our daily bread. My way of dealing with issues in most cases involve writing things down. A habit I natured ever since I could remember. I often write something down for clarity or to make sense of things; a tiff, or any kind of situation [personal, sensitive, business, etc.]. On paper, I’m in a position to recreate the scenario at my own pace, just to see if the outcome could have been any different.
This is my personal valet, my very own doctor Confidential. I also write about those happy and memorable moments-you know, those sweet-fun-exciting moments…like my first crash and kiss.
And i’ll go ack and relieve the moment, blush a little and fantasize some or tap myself on the shoulder for a job well done. Just to keep the memories alive. I know other people tend to think that one keeps a diary to use as proof or as a reminder about certain behaviours or events. Well, maybe true to some extend. But what I know for sure is that we all have our reasons, and my point is whatever your reasons, you should not feel guilty to keep memories of your life, or feel shy about your own feelings and views. Being shy to quarrel or just accepting the situation or being understanding all the time, turn to concoct poison in your system. Slowly all the ugly thoughts and memories will fill up and bottle up the valves, and before you know it you become frustrated, stressed and then depression hit.

These are your memories, your vexes, your fun and maybe happy moments. We all need some trusted source where we can off load our issues; a punching bag, this very white and pure space, or even the mirror, with the hope that it won’t crack one day. For me, I can summon the other party on the mirror and freely give them the piece of my mind, or, just have an honest conversation. Added benefit; there are no interruptions.

My personal habit of writing things down [in my own way] helps me to deal with all the monkeys in my space and to find solutions to things. It also helps to incubate those special memories alive, and to keep track and make sense of events which made me feel as though I was losing it.
My friend used to scold me for not sharing. Little did she know that I had my secret therapist, my very own platform to ventilate, scream and say anything without being judged or any interruptions whatsoever. My favourite consultation space is still on paper. Plus my diary will never share my secrets with anyone.
So, here goes… “dear Diary…”

LAURINDAM